Don’t let your relationship take the back burner in the new year - and decade! It’s easy to get caught up in the usual resolutions, work, kids and even adventures, but don’t forget to prioritize your relationship. Below are 20 ideas you can use to reignite the fire in your relationship and keep it going all decade long! What better time to make these small changes often to transform your relationship for the best?! Start the decade off right!
1. Date your partner
Nothing says “you matter to me” more than the gift of your time and a commitment to a weekly date night. This is an essential piece of healthy relationships and helps you stay connected as a couple. It is normal for the romance and courting to fade out in long-term relationships, but we have to intentionally bring it back in through date nights and our sense of curiosity about our partners. Date nights should be a sacred space for the two of you where you can have fun together and update your “love maps” and your understanding of your partner’s inner world. Also, try to stay away from chatting about scheduling and kids. Keep it lighthearted and fun!
2. Stop “phubbing”
Put those phones away! And really any screen for that matter! “Phubbing” = Phone + Snubbing. It’s impossible to connect on a genuine level if there’s a screen between the two of you. Be intentional about spending time with the person next to you instead of choosing to give them your leftover attention. Decide as a couple specific times to “unplug,” and don’t be afraid to call out your partner when you’re being phubbed! We are so attached to technology, sometimes we’re not even aware of how much of an impact it can have in our relationships
3. Put on your rose colored glasses
Successful relationship partners choose to put on (and keep on!) those rose colored glasses. When they make assumptions, it’s about the best not the worst. They intentionally look for everything their partner is doing right, rather than picking apart what they are not doing right, enough of, etc. They catch their partner doing good, aren’t stingy with their “thank you’s” and voice their appreciation. This is also something we need to do as parents for our kids! Who better to practice on and build the habit with than our partner?
4. Commit to be a better listener
Ever feel like you and your partner don’t even speak the same language? It’s so easy to fall into patterns of miscommunication leaving you feeling misunderstood, unheard, invalidated, and sometimes even invisible. This pattern leads to frequent cycles of conflict, arguing, and eventually feeling alone in your relationship. Listening is something the majority of us have had the ability to do since even before our own birth. Yet somehow most of us aren’t really taught how to be a good listener. Sure we can hear without much effort on our part, but it takes intention, time and energy to really listen. So how do we really listen to our partner? Great listening includes connection through eye contact, is an investment of your time, and it is replacing the urge to try to fix the problem with a presence of empathy and validation. Listening is not the passive activity it is often made out to be, but instead is an active, engaging activity in which your role is simply to clarify through open ended questions and gather all the facts without judgment.
5. Take responsibility for and communicate your desires
Own your wants and needs. Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and actions. Don’t project your own behaviors, expressions, experiences, and thoughts onto your partner. Take ownership for what is yours and release responsibility for what is not. The better insight you have into your own inner world, the more direction and clarity you can give to your partner. Your partner is not a mind reader, nor will they ever be no matter how hard you wish them to be, so don’t forget to communicate your desires.
6. Find your part in conflict and apologize
The reality of conflict is that it takes two to tango. Without relationship, there is no conflict. Keeping this in mind, recognize your contribution to the conflict. Sure, your partner may be 99.999% in the wrong, but find the 0.001% part that is yours. But don’t stop there! Take responsibility for it by owning up to your partner and offering an apology. This approach, if done genuinely, is a hugely effective tension reducer.
7. Learn how to compromise
John Gottman’s research has shown us that 69% of all problems are unsolvable and are actually going to be perpetual issues couples need to learn how to manage rather than resolve. These issues are unique to each couple and depends on core personalities, values, and lifestyle differences that are non negotiable. The art of compromising goes a very long way in relationships and is a skill that should never be overlooked. Rather than constantly trying to solve these unsolvable issues, or worse yet, fighting for your perspective to “win,” recognize neither of you is right or wrong in their own stance but you are just different individuals. Surrender your need to be right. Remember you are on the same team and work together to find a compromise which will satisfy you both as much as possible.
8. Accept influence
Diversity has the potential to either make or break a relationship. It is a beautiful thing if we allow it to be. Oftentimes however, our pride gets in the way and we feel like accepting influence is submissive and weak. But, if we are looking to have a lasting relationship, the statistics are clear that accepting influence is crucial. It is certain that if one person is “winning,” the reality is that the relationship is actually losing. The most influential people are the ones who accept influence, and it is actually a pathway for you to gain more respect from your partner. Accepting your partner’s influence allows for your relationship to be the real “winner,” which is all-around gold.
9. Establish breaks for conflict
During conflict it is common to get flooded with emotions and reach a state of diffuse physiological arousal (DPA). When this happens we are no longer clear headed and we lose our ability to make productive, logical responses. This should serve as an alarm and cue you both for a break. If you keep going at it, not only is the conflict going to be free of compromise or resolution, but it’s just going to escalate and get worse. Taking a break is the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship in these cases. Let your partner know you need a break, and agree on a time to come back to discuss the conflict once you are no longer emotionally flooded. During this break avoid stewing in all the emotions and analyzing the conflict, but rather take your mind off of it by doing something relaxing or grounding to you. Maybe go for a walk around the block, take a hot bath, drink a cup of tea, color in an adult coloring book, go to the gym, or turn on some music. Whatever it is for you, this is an adult time out where you’re in charge of helping make yourself feel better. There is no shame in taking a break, and it actually will only benefit both you and your partner.
10. Take a “One Heart Approach” vs. two hearts
Remember the day you got married you promised to not only share one household & bed, but also one heart. By taking this so-called “One Heart Approach,” it will serve as a reminder that even if only one person is hurting emotionally, the both of you are ultimately suffering as a whole since you are two halves of a single heart. When given the opportunity to say, “I told you so,” point out an error in the other’s way, or simply holding onto or entertaining ill thoughts or feelings, try your best to remember that negative actions or responses will hurt you and the relationship just as much as they are feeling the pain.
11. Learn to forgive
Forgiveness is hard. Especially in times of disappointment and betrayal. The bottom line is, our partner’s are going to let us down. Period. They’re even going to do it over and over again - sometimes even over the same thing. Forgiveness is possibly THE key to a long-lasting, fulfilling, intimate relationship. It’s not a question of if experiences will come up that warrant forgiveness, but when they do if we are, in fact, appropriately equipped to be able to forgive. Forgiveness is not a one and done - it is usually a daily practice that takes time. Trust is broken when it’s hardest to forgive, and although a one-time event may shatter trust, forgiveness is not given in a day, but rather grows as we continue to commit to give it and rebuild our trust.
12. Turn towards your partner
We have the opportunity many times per day to accept our partner’s bid to us. Whether it’s a bid for attention, conversation, affection, play, excitement, emotional support, empathy, sex, etc., we are constantly making bids to our partner and vice versa. A lot of the time though, these bids go unnoticed and we are completely unaware of the damage being done when we turn away or against them. Be on the lookout for even the smallest of bids so you can turn towards your partner and build up the emotional bank account of your relationship. Awareness is the first step. Both subtle and overt bids are important, and responding to them in a meaningful way will only work to benefit your relationship and strengthen your connection.
13. Prioritize intimacy (physical and emotional)
Let’s be real… sex isn’t always going to be spontaneous and something that happens when you are caught up in the passion of a moment. Especially after becoming parents - sex is no longer the steamshow it used to be but, nonetheless, still as important. It just might look different - with it showing up on your shared calendar under a nondescript, cheesy codename, or talked about in more matter-of-fact ways. Sometimes it may even seem (and feel) like a chore. And all of that is ok! It might seem boring to have to schedule sex, but as long as the deed is getting done, that’s all that matters! Because intimacy is a high risk bid, we might even have to get creative when initiating, such as spelling it out with our illiterate child’s alphabet magnets on the fridge (keywords: illiterate child). Don’t be afraid to get creative! Emotional intimacy is also just as important, and deserves to get 10-minutes a day blocked off in our schedule as well. It is essential to stay connected through having a daily stress reducing conversation and retain emotional intimacy. And no matter whether you’re male or female or what you’ve read, emotional intimacy is really the best form of foreplay there is.
14. Practice nonsexual touch and affection
People (COUGH men), often have a difficult time expressing and receiving nonsexual touch from their partner (even if it is one of their love languages). It is important to keep in mind there are so many other ways of helping our partner feel grounded, present, and loved when it comes to physical touch other than sex. Many studies show the positive effects of touch on all people from infants to the elderly. Whether your love language is physical touch or one of the other five, take a moment to see what activities you enjoy that involve touch. Try incorporating Gottman’s recommended “six second kiss” or Hendrix’s 20 second (or longer for bonus points!) embrace. Thanks to brain science we know that a six second kiss or 20 second hug (which most of us don’t take the time to do in the midst of the daily grind) releases oxytocine, sometimes better known as the “love hormone.” These, along with hand holding for just ten minutes is known to reduce stress by lowering cortisol, aka the “stress hormone.” The late, great, Family Therapist, Virginia Satir was known for her stance on this. She stated, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” If nothing else, make it a priority to hug and kiss your partner each day. So much can happen in just the span of a six second kiss or 20 second hug leaving you both with a powerful physical and emotional connection. And no promises these won’t turn into anything more, but at least we start out with innocent intentions. As John Gottman likes to say, “A six-second kiss is a kiss with potential.” We’re not against naked hugs either (just sayin’).
15. Be generous with words of affirmation
Nothing says, “I love you” like saying, “I love you.” Don’t lose an opportunity to point out, acknowledge, express, or share gratitude when you partner does something positive, or when you simply see one of their great qualities shining through. Whether this is something small like a physical compliment or something bigger like a word of encouragement, there’s no better time to voice these things than in the moment. Much like people who leave reviews on Yelp or other similar platforms, it is all too easy to focus on what was done wrong or less than perfect. We tend to speak up more when we have a complaint than when we have a word of affirmation or appreciation. Make an effort to express the good things on your mind that you “catch” your partner doing. If none seem to come to mind, go and find them with intention and express the positive things you witnessed loud and clear.
16. Figure out your finances
We know money can’t buy love but what it can do is get in between love and drive partner’s apart. So many couples have unnecessary arguments over money and finances. The solution is simple - get on the same page. Make a budget, set your goals, and take into account your partner’s and your own money narrative. Get real about what you learned about money, what it means to you, what your relationship has looked like with it historically, and create a plan to figure out what you want your relationship with it to look like moving forward. This way your partner gains a deeper understanding of you and vice versa, and you can become supportive of each other and work towards a mutual financial goal.
17. Set and accomplish a mutual goal
Either find something you both enjoy, or join your partner or have them join you in one of your hobbies. Otherwise, if you both are feeling super adventurous, find something completely new to the both of you and go. For. It. Together, choose what this looks like for the two of you and create SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-based) goals to accomplish it. Doing something together will help you refine your ability to work together, and also has the great potential to grow you closer together.
18. Focus on ways you can change rather than changes your partner needs to make
It’s easy to make a list of all the changes we think our partner needs to make and focus on that instead of on the changes we can make in ourselves. You see, the funny thing is that we discovered we have to transform into the person we want our partner to be, to allow them the space to be that person for us also. Are you with us? We know, we know, it seems all backwards -- they should be the ones doing this for us, not the other way around! But the reality is we have the power to harvest what we need through living it out in our own lives. Isn’t that encouraging?!
19. Decide to accept your spouse for who they are instead of who you’d like them to be
So many couples waste months, years, and even decades waiting for their spouse to get to the place they want them to be. This leaves both parties miserable and stuck in a cycle of dysfunction - on one partner’s hand, “you’re not who I want you to be,” and on the other’s hand, “I can’t live up to your expectations of who you want me to be.” We can only experience the goodness of the present when we are in the present. If we are constantly looking to the future for the idealized partner who may or may not even show up, we miss the beauty inside the imperfect relationship we are living in today. If we are holding out for an uncertain change to happen in the future, we can’t truly love our partner right in front of us in the moment. Love is not just a feeling, it’s a choice; and beyond that it’s a verb - an action word. Deciding to accept our partner for all they are instead of who they are not or who they could be, frees us up to love them exactly where they are now. It is this version of unconditional love that transforms relationships and activates growth.
20. Realize it’s never too late to redefine your relationship
There is no circumstance too big, or experience so detrimental that renders no chance of recovery for your relationship. It’s never too late to turn the negative tide into positive waves. The very nature of relationships forces us to be flexible and redefine roles within it throughout the natural progression of life. Depending on the different stages relationships go through, whether it’s the birth of a child, the death of a parent, or sending your last child off to college, redefining our relationship is a key ingredient to keeping up with our changes as individuals as we navigate new experiences, and what those mean for our couplehood.
If reading through this blog brought up some things you’d like to process further or you need help navigating any of these points above, we have several options to help you.
